Wednesday, March 4, 2015

[Singing to: Panic! At The Disco]

This is where I'm at with her.

I believe I'm not in love with her anymore.

Though. There is something that keeps my attention on her; I can't get her off my mind. I don't feel... like I'm in love. I don't think I am. She obviously doesn't feel the same. Yet. Why is she still on my mind?


She is. I'm okay with that. I started seeing someone a while ago. She's nice.. and cheerful at times. I just don't think its what I'm looking for exactly. I told her about the whole situation with my thoughts over this other girl and she has accepted it. I know its probably the female portion of her saying "yeah, but I'm not happy with it despite me saying I am okay with it."

I've been trying to get this job at a place called 'Nestle." At the moment, I passed the test portion of it and they emailed me saying that I have an interview the 16th of March. I need to do my best to get this job. I need to bring my resume, references (if possible) and I need to bring the best attitude and appearance that I can. I've been dying to get this job because it will supposedly pay 23$ hourly and average 60 hours a week. I really want this opportunity because it will give me the chance to finally pay for quite a few things that I really want to.

The biggest things are:
Newer clothes that fit "current me" or who I want to be.
Newer/better working vehicle compared to what I have.
Pay debts, if/any I can find.
I really would like to move from where I am currently living, since it will be replaced with a lake here in the next few years anyways. It would be more incentive if anything.
The biggest reason why I want this job, besides try to provide for my mother a bit since she is seeming stressed, is that I also want to try to offer something to that girl who I can get off my mind.

Sounds silly, right?

We have stopped talking and I'm positive we aren't ever.

Yet. She's going to be leaving here in a few months possibly and I just don't want her to leave.. Her lease is ending in a few months. I want to help her stick around, though technically that may hurt her in the long run even if she accepted the help. Why am I doing it, if I know I wouldn't get any benefit either....

That's silly....
I don't even have that position and its going to require quite a lot.
I need to remain positive. Get what I need going and if for some reason, God gives me the opportunity to turn my life around.... then man... I'm going to have to work hard to improve myself..

I honestly feel there's a piece of me that even tried for this position so I can show that I can provide for this girl I'm unsure if I'm still in love with...

Counting the chickens before they hatched.

I still want to hang out and talk to her.. I think I don't love her, but there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't fall instantly back in love with her after some alone time.

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