Thursday, September 18, 2014

[Listening to:Sorrowfully by Kajiura Yuki]

I can't stop thinking about her.
Everything reminds me of her.
The heat I produce.
The feeling of being unhappy.

I was raised with anime and technology, but now.. it feels like it's just bringing me down emotionally. Anime reminds me of her. My favorite ones I can't watch anymore and new one's worry me. Every aspect of the internet reminds me of her. My old favorite site, is in her current favorites. I can't go back to it without thinking or checking on her. Instagram is something I enjoyed checking, until I figured she used it quite often. Now, I avoid it sometimes because I know that I will check how she is. There are times where I just space it for days, but then I eventually fall into habit and check.

I've been thinking about starting clothes again. Or begin making clothes. One of the ideas is undergarments because it would give me the intimacy I so need, but... all the ideas I do have.. remind me of her figure. All of them. All I can imagine is her in them. My dream when I was younger.. is now filled with just her figure. All the clothes, lingerie or even cute clothes I want to make.. I can only imagine her in them...

I begin to not think of her for a day or two, at least not as often every day.. and when I check on how she's doing.. I always make this associate like.. "Maybe she is thinking about you.." "Maybe she's leaving this hidden messages.." "Maybe she thinks and misses you as much as you think and miss her.." "maybe.. maybe.. maybe.."

You're delusional...
and it's eating you, Daniel.

I've recently pushed everyone away. I feel as this might help me.

I'm trying to work on myself. I'm trying to leave games and technology behind.
Focusing on trying to get a "good job."
Focusing on eating a lot better.
Focusing on sleeping more regularly and worry free.

But I'm not worth shit.. People give me value. A person gives me most value; right now, I only want her valuation.

I only want her.. and unfortunately, Daniel...
You're going to spend your entire life trying to replace her with someone similar...
And we both know.. You're going to be the end to yourself. And you're going to spend a lifetime suffering because the value you gave her.

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